Nepal 2014 - Did you wonder why I hadn't really posted about it yet?

Me elated at the response to the fundraising auction.

Last February over a hundred of you overwhelmed me with your support when you helped me raise the funds to attend a two week expressive arts work/study with survivors of human trafficking in Nepal. I was so amazed by the sense of community that I wanted to bring you all along with me by sharing my story with you in real time.

When I got there, limited free time, wi-fi, energy, and electricity made it difficult to post so I told myself that would be one of the first things I did when I got home. Then of course, when I got home I was exhausted and backlogged on a million things and before I knew it two months had passed.

But the truth is, I needed time. And it wasn't, as I think you might assume, because meeting trafficking survivors was so traumatic. It was difficult at times but also joyful. It was more about everything all together - a long voyage, a new culture, new people, intense activity, and me meeting my physical and emotional edge over and over again. It was a lot to process.

A butterfly streamer I brought home from Nepal.

Surprisingly, the most difficult thing for me was how upset I was about the things I had learned about myself. And that seemed so self absorbed to me that I became even more upset with myself and felt like I had to either share something that was humiliating to me or give you the story you expected. I couldn't figure out how to frame my struggles in a way that didn't make this all about me and was positive. I want this to be about what is happening to women and children in the world and how much they need our support. And then I got these lab results.

Adrenal labs. Green is optimal. Light blue is normal. Black line is me.

I knew I had adrenal fatigue before I went. It's something I have struggled with for years, but these labs are the lowest I have seen. This means I am exhausted most of the time without even doing a single thing and have difficulty processing physical and emotional stress. And this trip was both for me at every turn: it was very hot, I was sick half of the time, there was a lot of stimulation in the form of wild traffic, barking dogs, lots of colors and patterns, disfigured beggars, long hours of emotionally rigorous expressive arts activities, constant social interaction, making connections with people that we had to say emotional goodbyes to at the end of the day, long walking tours, lots of stairs...and frankly, it was all pretty hard for me. And then there was how I responded to hard things. Sometimes I withdrew to my room and watched TV on my ipad and felt totally numb. Sometimes I broke down in tears and didn't think I could deal. Once I lost it so much in the training that I could barely speak. After that incident I actually washed all of my clothes, neatly packed them, went to bed and dreamed that I flew home. I didn't know how to tell you this without thinking I was disappointing you by not giving you the uplifting story I wanted to tell. And I couldn't bring myself to candy coat it or give you a distant recollection of facts with pithy little statements thrown in for effect.

And then I realized this: even though I feel like garbage most of the time, and my capacity has been drastically reduced - I still went. I went because I believed I was meant to go and the speed at which I was ushered onto the team and raised 6K confirmed this to me, especially since my family is in the midst of a difficult time financially and we were not able to use any of our own money for the trip. And even though it was meant for me to experience it did not mean it was going to be all magical all the time, or even most of the time. It was meant for me and it was tough. I showed up anyway. That is the uplifting story. That was how I could inspire you and not bring you down with me complaining about how hard everything was. Because if I could do this, then you can volunteer at that local shelter you've been thinking about or take your own voyage into adventure.

Now that I can see how sharing my experience might benefit you and not just be me unloading a bunch of dung, now I can tell you my story. Which I will begin with the next post because I'm tired and need to stop now.

COMING SOON....PART 2...STAY TUNED

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